Child Abuse
Handing Sexual Abuse Disclosure
Children disclose abuse in a variety of ways. One of the least common is to talk about the abuse directly. It is more common for children to disclose abuse in one of the following ways.
Indirect or Accidental Disclosure
Sometimes children tell about sexual abuse in roundabout ways. They might give indirect verbal hints: "My brother wouldn't let me sleep last night." "Mr. Jones wears funny underwear." "My babysitter keeps bothering me." "I don't like Grandpa anymore."
A child might talk in these terms because she or he hasn't learned more specific vocabulary, feels too ashamed or embarrassed to talk more directly, or has promised not to tell. None of these necessarily mean that your child is being abused, but they are signals to probe for more information.
Gently encourage your child to be more specific, within the limits of his or her vocabulary. But bear in mind that in order to get your child help, you do not need to be absolutely sure that abuse has occurred or what form it has taken.
Disguised Disclosure
This is when a child says something like, "I know someone with a touching problem" or "What happens if a girl tells her mother that someone was touching her? Would her mother believe her?" Encourage your child to tell you what he or she knows about the "other child." In many cases, your child will eventually tell you whom she or he is talking about.
Most children are all too aware that negative consequences could result if they tell. Often the offender uses threats of these consequences to force a child to remain silent. Let your child know that you want to help and that it is safe to tell.
Responding to Disclosure
If your child discloses abuse to you, remain calm. Do not panic or express shock. By controlling your feelings, you can avoid frightening your child or causing guilt or embarrassment.
Be matter-of-fact, and try to be objective. Ask simple nonleading questions that will prompt your child to open up, but do not pressure for an answer. If pressured, a child may clam up or deny it. Nonleading questions do not ask for yes or no answers. Examples: "Tell me more" and "What happened next?"
Be warm and caring. Do not express anger or blame. For example, do not say things like "Why didn't you tell me?"
Reassure your child. Clearly express your belief that your child is telling the truth. Children rarely lie about abuse. Tell your child that he did the right thing and that you are glad he told you. Tell your child how brave she was to tell. Assure your child that it is not his fault and that he is not bad. Express the belief that your child will be okay and that she will heal from the trauma.
After Disclosure
Tell your child what you will do. Let your child know that you will do your best to protect and support him or her. Let her know that you will not leave her alone with the offender again. Tell him that you will talk to people who can help. With an older child, you can specifically mention that you will call Child Protective Services (CPS) or the police. This will help prepare an older child for talking to officials about the abuse.
Take action. Seek help and appropriate resources for yourself and your child. Call your county's CPS department or the police. You can find these numbers in your local telephone book or by calling information or crisis hotlines.
Remember that young children are often inconsistent and confused about specific details like numbers, days, time, and so on. This does not mean that a child is not telling the truth about what happened. If pressed about inconsistencies, a child may begin to deny the abuse so that he or she doesn't have to keep repeating the story. When a child discloses, listen, but do not insist on precise answers or ask the child to go over details. It is best to allow a trained person, such as a CPS social worker, to interview the child.
Healing After Disclosure
A disclosure of abuse is always a terrible shock to a parent, and it can be a struggle to manage one's own feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and anxiety. However, sometimes a parent's response to disclosure can be more alarming than the abuse itself. A child already feels guilt and shame, especially after telling, and desperately needs your warmth and care.
If you can remember that it is never a child's fault—even when the abuse has gone on for a long time—and that children can heal from sexual abuse, it will help you manage your own feelings. Be sure to talk privately with an adult you trust so that you can maintain your calm with your child.
Remember that healing takes time. Things won't become better immediately the moment you report the abuse. You will need to find supportive people to help you and your child through this difficult situation.
By Bridgid Normand, M.Ed.
Program Developer
Committee for Children