Second Step E-Newsletter
November 2010
My Child Is Being Bullied or Bullying Others! What Can I Do?
In the STEPS TO RESPECT program, bullying is defined as follows: "Bullying is unfair and one-sided. It happens when someone keeps hurting, frightening, threatening, or leaving someone out on purpose." Bullying is not the same as rough play or conflict between friends.
Parents don’t want to bring up their children to bully or be bullied. But it does happen. In fact, studies show that up to 90 percent of children are regularly involved in bullying, either as targets or offenders (or both) or witnesses (also known as bystanders).
Many parenting Web sites and advice columns urge parents to teach their children to fight back against bullying behavior. Some believe this is the only way the bullying will ever stop. Family members and neighbors may also put pressure on parents who only want to do the right thing for their children.
As parents, you don't want your children to be hurt, or to hurt others. Bullying prevention lessons such as those found in the STEPS TO RESPECT program are teaching children to stand up for themselves. These programs are not, however, teaching children to fight back. Hurting others, even in response to bullying, will not solve the greater problem of one person using power over another in a harmful way. And the bullying could last longer and become more serious when children fight back.
If you think your child is involved in bullying in any way, there are many ways to help.
Talk to your children about bullying, even if it is not a problem now. Tell your children how you want them to behave. Be firm, clear, and consistent. Follow through with consequences if you find out one of your children bullied another kid, but don’t use put-downs or physical punishment, which will only shame them and teach them that violence is okay.
Set up family rules. For example, “In our family it’s never okay to bully or just stand by and watch others being bullied. Bullying is wrong. If you find yourself bullying others, please let us know so we can help you change your behavior.”
Watch for signs of bullying. Children who bully others often act as though what they do is no big deal. They might say they didn’t mean to hurt anyone (“I was just kidding. She can’t take a joke”). There may also be a problem if your child:
- Talks about other children in a negative way (“wimp,” “loser,” “stupid”)
- Talks as though other children deserve what happens to them (“He asked for it”)
- Doesn’t seem to care about others’ feelings
- Behaves in a rough way towards others
- Shows defiance (“You can’t tell me what to do!”)
- Is easily frustrated when she or he doesn’t get her or his own way
- Is accused of bullying
- Gets in trouble at school or elsewhere for fighting
If you are told by someone at your child's school that he or she is bullying others, it is important to take this seriously and make sure your child gets help if necessary. Children who frequently bully can go on to bully others as adults in their dating, family, and work relationships.
...and being bullied. Some kids will talk about what’s going on; others won’t. Notice any changes in your child’s behavior. If your child won’t speak to you about being bullied, keep trying to find someone your child will talk to, such as a trusted teacher or coach, a relative, or a family friend. Some possible signs of being bullied:
- Injuries, stomachaches, or headaches
- Lost or broken belongings
- Staying away from school activities
- Not wanting to use the school bathroom (where a lot of bullying happens)
- Problems sleeping
- Doing worse in schoolwork
If you notice changes in behavior, specifically ask your child if someone is bullying him or her at school.
Practice answers to bullying behavior. People who bully others hope for a reaction: crying, anger, shame. If targets don’t do any of this, the person bullying may lose interest. It’s not easy to be powerful and calm when someone hurts your feelings—or your body. So it’s important to practice. Come up with a few strong responses to most kinds of bullying (“That’s bullying. Stop!”).
Teach your child to speak up and walk away. When your children see other kids being bullied, they can do things to help stop the bullying. Again, this is not easy: practice, practice, practice. Here are some things your children can do:
- Ignore the kid who is doing the bullying instead of laughing or watching
- Speak up to the kid who is doing the bullying ("Cut that out!")
- Reach out to the kid who is being bullied and ask him or her to walk away ("Let's go play kickball")
- Report the bullying to an adult in the school
Show your children how to behave. Even if it doesn’t always seem that way, your children look up to you. Show your children how you:
- Stand up for yourself and others in a strong, calm way
- Make friends with people who are respectful and fair
- Treat all people respectfully and accept people who are different
Help your child make friends. Good friendships can protect children from the harmful effects of bullying. Help your child find and keep good friends. If she or he doesn’t seem to have any friends, encourage your child to join groups or teams to find children that like to do the same kinds of things.
Know your child’s school’s rules about bullying. Talk to the principal and teachers about bullying. Find out what your school is doing about bullying, including cyber bullying (sending hurtful messages via the Internet or cell phones). The policy should be clear, firm, and fair. It’s also good for teachers and principals to know that you will speak up if you see bullying behavior in your own child or others. Most states now have anti-bullying laws. Schools need to be safe, secure, and peaceful environments for all children.
Although it happens a lot, bullying should not be seen as a normal, acceptable part of childhood. Help your children treat others with respect and stand up for themselves and for others in a positive way. These skills will serve them well through their years of school, work, and family relationships.
References
http://www.cfchildren.org/media/files/str_research_foundations.pdf
http://www.cfchildren.org/programs/hot-topics/bully/kidpower/
http://www.cfchildren.org/programs/hot-topics/bully/parents1/
http://www.cfchildren.org/programs/hot-topics/bully/parents2/
http://www.cyberbully.org/cyberbully/docs/cblegislation.pdf
http://www.education.com/reference/article/ten-actions-to-eliminate-bullying/
http://www.minti.com/parenting-advice/9392/My-Child-is-Being-BulliedWhat-Should-I-Do-QA-with-Bullying-Expert-Peggy-Moss/
http://www.nasponline.org/resources/handouts/bullying%20template%209_04.pdf
http://www.preventbullying.org/problem.html
