No Easy Apology

| By: Committee for Children

This week's blog post comes to us from Program Developer Mia Doces.

In our Second Step middle school program, practicing the skills taught in the lessons is a key component to the program. The best way for students to effectively use the skills in their daily lives is for them to practice. But, as any teacher knows, this is easier said than done. It’s no simple task to coordinate an entire class of middle schoolers into on-task groups of skill practicers. As one of the program developers for the middle school program, I realized that teachers and students would benefit from seeing video examples of skill practices so that there would be no mystery or confusion as to how they were supposed to look. So, we hired a group of young teens to demonstrate how a skill practice should be done.

We had four teens—two boys, two girls—in a sound stage, sitting on tall stools in front of a neutral background. They were staged simply to demonstrate the technique for doing a skill practice. The teens had practiced “doing skill practices,” but they did not have scripted lines. It was more like an improvisation—just as a “real” skill practice would be. I gave them a new scenario, and we let the cameras roll. The scenario was this: Your friend just told your secret to another group of friends. Assertively tell your friend how you feel.

Now, this was a skill practice for being assertive. The girl, let’s call her Tara, had to be assertive with the boy, let’s call him Travis. So, Tara’s job was to be assertive and Travis’s job was to apologize. The rest of the dialogue was left to them. Tara performed her skill perfectly, with head up, shoulders back, looking at Travis saying in a clear, calm voice, “I don’t like that you told those guys my secret. I’m really upset and embarrassed.” Now, Travis’s turn. All he has to do is apologize. Travis says, “Well, I didn’t know it was a secret!” CUT! I walk over to Travis. “No, honey, remember your role is to just apologize. Let’s try that again.” We roll. Tara assertively says her part. And Travis says, “Well, those guys are our friends. They don’t care about your secret.” CUT! “No, Travis. You’re supposed to apologize! One more time.” Tara, again, assertively delivers her line and Travis says, “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t even know it was a secret.” OK, CUT. I walk over to Travis. “Travis, do you understand what it means to apologize?” Travis shrugs. Apparently not. I asked him to repeat after me: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told your secret. I won’t do it again.” He repeated those lines a few times off camera, then we recorded a perfect take.

Afterward, Travis admitted he really had never had to apologize before. We talked about how important it is to take responsibility when you’ve made a mistake—and how difficult it is. I felt like Travis left that video recording session with a new and very valuable tool. Later, reflecting on the day, I realized how deep-seeded bad habits like being defensive or denying responsibility can be. And, how easily those habits can carry over into adulthood if there is no opportunity to step back, examine them, and try an alternative. Fortunately, through opportunities to practice with peers, middle school students who participate in the Second Step skill practices will have an opportunity to try out and be successful with new, positive social competencies.