Good Girl Gone Bad? | By: Emilie Coulter by Emilie Coulter My almost-eight-year-old daughter is a Good Girl at school. You know what I mean. A joy to have in the classroom. Courteous, fun, friendly, attentive to her work. Don’t get me wrong; Etta can be a disaster at home. All day long she’s steadily squeezing that appropriate behavior out of her system like a new tube of toothpaste, and by 4:30 or 5, she’s got nothing left for us. Then she has her moments, and they can be doozies. Temperamentally, though, she is a kind, generous soul. So I was completely surprised the other day when I started hearing whispers of an encounter between Etta and two of her friends. Thanks to some stealth interrogation (I even used a bright light, but that was only because I was checking Etta’s head—it’s the annual school lice scare) and comparison of story versions among the parents of the three kids, we jigsawed together the pieces to come up with this story, which seems to approach the truth: The Story Etta left her notebook outside one day during recess when she ran in to use the bathroom. Her friend (we’ll call him X) tore out a piece of paper and wrote a mean note about another friend (she’ll be Y). When Etta returned, X showed it to Etta, whereupon Etta expressed her discomfort, though not very strongly. The rest of the story is murky, but the bottom line is that Etta and X pretended to find this mysterious note in the stone wall. They showed it to Y, and then, when Y become upset, they took on the role of good Samaritan by reporting it to a teacher. Y suspected Etta and X wrote the note but decided not to tell the teacher or confront Etta and X. Ick, right? Etta told me she hadn’t wanted to get her friend X in trouble. I told her I understood that, but reminded her that Y, who is also a friend, was hurt in the process. X has already sobbingly confessed to his parents and written a heart-wrenching apology note, which was graciously accepted by Y. Etta plans to apologize directly to Y. We discussed also getting the three together to clear the air. I have no doubt that Etta and X know right from wrong. They are sensitive to nuances and very tuned in to what’s fair and kind. They both have a tremendous SEL vocabulary and ability. What’s perplexing is that they decided to go with wrong instead of right. The Plot Twist And now here’s something I’ve been withholding from the story, because I am curious to see how it changes things once you know. Etta and X are seven years old. Their good friend Y, the one they picked on, is 12. A little context: I live in a community of amazing friends. Our collective gang of children range in age from five to 12; they are boys and girls and gender variant; they are bookish, athletic, artistic, quirky, moody, peace-loving, aggressive. They are like siblings. So maybe the seven-year-olds ganging up on the 12-year-old is nothing more than a sibling-ish tease. Maybe it’s imaginative play gotten out of hand. More Q than A I find myself with more questions than answers. The Steps to Respect program defines bullying as “unfair and one-sided … often a repeated activity … may occur as a one-time event … always involves a power imbalance.” The power can be from factors such as age, size, support of friends, or access to resources. I have seen older kids get picked on by groups of younger kids. And some children seem to take on the role of victim while others let things slide off their backs. The simplest answer to it all may be the best: We have to teach our children how to stand up for themselves and for others. You never know when you’ll end up on one side or another of an icky encounter.