SEL vs. Noncompliant Kids?

| By: Committee for Children

I won’t agree or disagree that “American Schools Are Failing Noncomformist Kids,” as Elizabeth Weil writes in the September 2, 2013, issue of The New Republic. Like all relationships…it's complicated. I will, however, disagree vehemently with her notion that the culprit is the focus on teaching social-emotional skills to all children.

As someone who likes to write about my own children, and sometimes imagines that universal truths spring from every one of my personal experiences, I get it. Weil’s daughter sounds fabulous. She sounds like she and my kids would be BFFs. But we have to step back just a wee bit and remember that maybe, just maybe, our experiences are not representative of all humankind.

American schools…it's complicated

Of course it's true that there's room for improvement in American schools. Noncomformist kids are always going to be challenged by traditional settings. They need tremendous, creative support to navigate their cross-stream or even up-stream route. But the source of the problem is not social-emotional learning (SEL). More likely it is a whole host of cultural, societal, academic, developmental, and budgetary circumstances. Perhaps if, in addition to their quirky intelligence, these children also had tools that allow them to live in the more cubic parameters of the world, they could have their cake and eat it too. Let me be clear. I’m talking about good, vetted, effective programs. I’m not sure what Weil’s school’s “peace table” is, or what its success rate is, but it doesn’t exactly sound like a comprehensive approach to SEL.

At home with a noncompliant child

Here is a common scenario in my home. My ten-year-old son Amos is wound tighter than many. He comes by it honestly—it's my curse as well. He is competitive, physical, and intense. When he wants something, he often goes straight to battle. In the car he likes to play DJ, dictating the particular songs he wants in particular order. If I hedge at all, suggesting that someone else have a chance to choose, he is likely to burst into outrage: “I never get to choose what I want!” His seven-year-old sister Etta, on the other hand, tends to be more sanguine. As I feel myself gearing up for a fight, she will jump in: “I know, Amos. How about if you listen to your song until we get to the post office, then I'll listen to mine.”

Right. What she said.

So Amos and I will certainly benefit from some solid training in empathy and emotion management. In fact, we already have. Nowadays I can sometimes see Amos pausing and taking deep breaths before making his demands—pardon me, requests—in a kinder, gentler way. Does this make him any less the passionate, driven, creative Amos he has been since birth? Not a chance. It just allows us to appreciate his nonconformity more without looking through the screen of mutual frustration.

Catching flies with honey

In their (public) school, I want my two lively, funny, wiggly, irreverent, occasionally noncompliant children to be taught well and fully appreciated. Ideally, I would like them to ask lots and lots of questions throughout their lives. But I want them to do so respectfully, and with the open minds that come of learning how to recognize how other people feel, and why. My children, and Elizabeth Weil's, are lucky to have parents like us, people who have the interest and resources to commit to their well-being. Frankly, I'm not so worried about them. I am, however, worried about the kids who are not so blessed, who may come to school exhausted, hungry, scared, having no idea what to expect of their future. I for one am so glad that schools around the globe are starting to teach social-emotional skills to all kids.