Holiday Cheer

| By: Committee for Children

The holiday season is upon us, for better or for worse. I would like to talk about the “for worse” part, if only to help us all cross over to the “for better” side of things. Every year I talk with friends and acquaintances who are gearing up for the holidays (or any family gathering) by gritting their teeth and rolling their eyes. The plan, for many, is to just get through it. Of course I recognize that no amount of Pollyanna-ing is going to make a tense family dynamic easy. But I do think we adults often miss a great opportunity to make it a little easier. That opportunity, in many cases, is right under our noses.

If we’re lucky, our children are learning social-emotional skills that enable them to handle themselves under various challenging circumstances. What’s stopping us from doing the same?

For example, a few years ago I was dreading my family’s annual August get-together. Each year, when we stepped through the door of our parents’ house, it was as if the four siblings, myself very much included, would also step into a time machine. Here we were, all in our 40s, behaving just like we had as children, even though in our “real,” current lives, we would never dream of acting this way. Sound familiar? I know I’m not alone in this. My particular hot spot was my sister’s parenting style, which was—still is—different from my own. (See how nonjudgmental I’m being? In theory, yes; in practice…not so much.)

As the day of family convergence approached, it suddenly occurred to me that I could make an effort to prepare myself. I thought about what I was constantly telling my children, and tried it myself. I sat calmly for a little while every day, anticipating how things might go and how I might feel. My main concern was that I would get amped up with my own kids in response to my sister’s more laid-back approach. I pictured it, recognized that I would probably feel tense and frustrated at times, then reminded myself that, although I couldn’t control my sister’s behavior, I could certainly make a great effort to control my own. My children’s well-being was paramount, but if they spent a couple weeks in the summer eating more sugar and staying up later—but having the time of their lives with their older cousins—wasn’t that okay? Yes, it was. I spent a lot of time breathing deeply during those weeks, and, although the issues were still present, everyone was a lot happier.

At times, yes, I have also tried to talk to my siblings and parents about long-standing issues. For me, at least right now, the best thing I can do for my immediate family (husband, son, daughter) is to address my own response to rough times. This is not to say gentle confrontation, a sense of humor, and even avoidance are not appropriate measures to take sometimes. In SEL programs like Second Step, great emphasis is placed on brainstorming multiple solutions to problems, evaluating them, and trying them out. Then trying again. And again.

Because kids are always tuned in to their parents’ emotional state, I decided it was appropriate to share with mine what I was trying and how well it worked. I was careful not to place blame on any one party. I just said that sometimes even close families and friends have a hard time getting along, and I wanted to handle it better this year. I think they appreciated knowing where my snappish behavior had been coming from and seeing me struggle to make things better. And things have gotten better, every year, as long as I remember to plan ahead for the anticipated stress. Here’s to happier holidays!