A Story About Bullying: Part 1

| By: Committee for Children

Some friends contacted me recently about a situation their son was having at school. He was frequently teased by a group of three boys. They would call him names, trip and push him: in class, at lunch, in the hallways, and at recess. Other students would join in or watch. I immediately recognized that this was a bullying situation since the stories involved repetitiveness, unequal power, and intent to harm.

Unfortunately, this is just one of many horrible bullying stories that I have heard over the years. In many cases, I was able to help given my involvement with the bullying prevention efforts in my district. However, there are other times when I hear such stories at a social gathering, from a friend of a friend, or a stranger secondhand.  In those situations, despite offering a listening ear or providing suggestions when asked, I rarely got to follow things through or find out how things ended up. I then find myself thinking about the bullied child or adult, how he or she is doing, and if I could have done more.

I am sharing this story to encourage reflection about what works and doesn’t work in bullying prevention. It’s not always easy to know exactly what to do, and although I don’t have all the answers, I have been fortunate enough to learn many things in working with Committee for Children and others who have committed their careers to bullying prevention.

For the sake of maintaining my friends’ privacy, I have omitted several details about the story and refer to their son as Connor instead of using his real name.

Connor’s parents mentioned how hard they worked with Connor to help him see how he bothers others, and to help him learn socially appropriate ways of interacting. They were upset that the bullying was happening and that they did not know about it earlier. They were also surprised it had occurred at all since newsletters repeatedly communicate that the school is engaged in bullying prevention efforts. Connor’s parents were especially upset that during the most recent incident, the teacher announced to the class that students should ignore Connor because he “sometimes does annoying things”.

It was difficult for me to see their emotions as they described this awful situation. I kept thinking that they were being too hard on themselves, that there were so many good things they were doing.  For example, they noticed changes in their son’s behavior (he was more emotional and quiet than usual) so they continued to ask him about it instead of ignoring it.  They also made him feel safe in reporting the problem, which they then immediately scheduled a meeting to talk about with the teacher.  

I was concerned about the idea that Connor’s behavior may have led to the bullying. Research does refer to “provocative victims” who may be socially awkward or have limited social skills and who are typically the most frequent targets of bullying. However, bullying is not okay, even if the person at the receiving end may have poor social skills. Research suggests that those who are bullied often begin to believe what others are projecting onto them. Nobody is an acceptable target of bullying.

Stay tuned for the school’s response… In the next blog I will share more about this situation, and reflect on some additional things learned from the experience.